Sitting In This Room Playing Russian Roulette

Today, was today.
I just can't say 'how' it was.

Michel came up to us all at lunch and told Ashley that he had a surprise for her. He whispered in my ear that he was going to break up with her at the end of the day. I didnt know what to say. I told Jessi what he said in the hallway. Ashley came out of the cafeteria crying. I just....ugh. I held her. :/
He told her that he couldnt handle being made fun of for dating her and that he was embaressed all of the time. That he "had had enough  embaressment in Lebanon". Oh, and he threw in the fact that he thinks she's clingy.
She just really liked him.
I didnt know what to do.
I love Ashley. I hate that this happened...

I was sitting on the steps outside with one of my close friends a few hours before that happened. I was talking to her about how almost every single friend of mine has either been in the past or is currectly suicidal or/and self harming. Except for her and maybe a few others.
Yeah. She has been (suicidal, that is).
It's horrible how the people who always deserve happiness the most, dont get it.

I'm going to die if Ashley starts cutting again.
I'm not sure how she's going to handle it tonight.
She still has the habit of always wearing long sleeves to cover her arms....
I always want to hurt the people that hurt her.
Like, the Patrick guy that asked her out because he lost a bet and made her cry.
Or Michel.
Or me...
I think I've hurt Ashley before. It killed me when she hurt me, but it was probably only because I hurt her first.
I dont even know.
I usually dont.

Everyone is hurting right now, for their own reasons...
Shane's friends...my friends...etc...
Everything hurts

I've been lsitening to Escape the Fate all afternoon to deal. ♥
My music always helps me. ♪ ♫
Even when I feel like I'm completely useless and like I cant do anything to help anyone
Bleh
I dont really know what im saying anymore
I dont know how to make boyfriend happy or ashley or anyone else..
I dont like that
God

      "Shadows fall on yesterday
       It's like time just slips away
       I'm nothing
       When darkness follows me
       The dawn it never shows it's head
       I'm left dying here instead
       With nothing
       A lock without a key

       Like the brightest star you shine through
      Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
      I've got purpose once again
      Yeah, yeah
     Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
     I've got purpose once again
     Yeah, yeah

     If looks could kill you'd be the one
     That takes my world and makes me numb
     I'm nothing
    Without you I can't breathe
    And as the sunlight burns the sky
    I see through my obsessive eyes
    I'm nothing
    Without you I can't see

    Like the brightest star you shine through
    Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
    I've got purpose once again
    Yeah, yeah
   Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
   I've got purpose once again
   Yeah, yeah
   Yeah, yeah

    You're the strength I need to fight
   You're the reason I still try
    I'm the moth and you're the light
   Use these wings so I can fly
   I can fly

   Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
   I've got purpose once again
   Yeah, yeah
   Ashley baby you make me feel so alive
   I've got purpose once again
   Yeah, yeah
   Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
   I've got purpose once again
   Yeah, yeah
   Ashley baby, you make me feel so alive
   I've got purpose once again
   Yeah, yeah
  Yeah, yeah
   I've got purpose once again
   I've got purpose once again"

I really hope one day soon that a guy (or girl, I mean our Ashley goes for both) feels exactly like this about her.
Exactly.
This song's called 'Ashley'. It's pretty apropriate.

The part thta says
"You're the strength I need to fight
   You're the reason I still try
    I'm the moth and you're the light
   Use these wings so I can fly
   I can fly"
reminds me of her the most.
One of her favorite poems is 'Lesson of the moth' after all.
xP

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNgKXMEcrhM)

Everyone on here should wish Ashley luck.

I feel bad excluding my other friends (and boyfriend's friends) problems on here.
I love all of them.
I'd do anything to help make them feel better. :/
Anything.
If I had to give up all of my happiness so I could give it to them, I would. I think that'd make me happier still, which makes it sort of liek a paradox.
Blehhh.

Alright, I know this is completely random but we're sort of on the subject of pain so i thoguht id mention it.
I wnat to get snake bites or a lip ring soon.
Really bad.
But I cant, cause my mom is a blehblehbleh.
So anyway.

I cut my tongue on the sharp part of a coke can.
I'm all bleeding and junk now.
Oh well.

I cant think of anything else to say right now
I'm going to go do something
I dont know what

Goodbye

<3
P.S.: I'm not using spellcheck today.

Ps-Ps: I love all of my friends. So much.